11843 'Dear Persephone'

Oooo Brava Auntie P.

I have a feeling that unless things get better (*sigh*), I'm likely to be one of your best clients...

I just hope you don't follow the footsteps of a certian Mr. O'Weary (sp?) and suddenly start charging for extras.

I now have this little guy [IMG]http://img232.imageshack.us/img232/7843/cervellolw6.gif[/IMG] printed out and posted in front of my PC - just to remind me to keep my knees stiff! But I may still need your experience to guide me through the minefield...

[IMG]http://www.kokosgoldfish.invisionzone.com/forum/style_emoticons/default/bighug.gif[/IMG]

Thank you for being my first problem client. I could not wish for a more complex case :bigergrin:.

My first advice would be to unstiffen the knees. Walk around the room, smash a few pieces of furniture, throw plates at the walls (please be mindful of any small animals that may be in the way). This will help release tension and allow for a metaphoric stroll in a cornfield rather than tiptoeing through the minefield.

I hope this helps

Yours,

Agony Aunt Persephone

[SIZE=1]Disclaimer: I take no responsibility if my advice goes horribly wrong.[/SIZE]

Dear Aunt Persephone

At last somewhere in cyberspace where our problems can be dealt with. :smile:
I'm having the most terrible guilts that I dont want to go back to the UK. Help, my family don't understand me.:eerr:

Thank you Aretina, for sharing your problem.

May I suggest you sign up with one of the many Italian telecoms services that offer a less than perfect service. In this way your family will not be able to contact you easily and the guilt will subside.

Under no circumstances go back to the UK.

Yours,

Agony Aunt Persephone

[SIZE=1]Disclaimer: Any advice I give may be completely wrong.[/SIZE]

Dearest Great Aunt Percyfone.

Recently I have been suffering from a certain lack of resolve in the marital activity department. :reallyembarrassed: Mrs Oneto has suggested that I try and source some of those little blue pills from one of those helpful interwebby site thingys, :jimlad: as she feels it may assist my situation. I, on the other hand have countered by suggesting that she buys a feckin treadmill.

Please can you help, 'cause I'm getting a bit antsy.... :notworthy:

Ps, Hadn't realised that Mrs O was reading this over my shoulder. I now need additional help to reduce a large swelling on the back of my bonce. :swoon:

Dear A P

What is the cure for stopping burning oneself, not just me fingers??? I am always doing it!!!

Yours very sincerely

Accident Prone

[quote=Oneto15;112940]Dearest Great Aunt Percyfone.

Recently I have been suffering from a certain lack of resolve in the marital activity department. :reallyembarrassed: Mrs Oneto has suggested that I try and source some of those little blue pills from one of those helpful interwebby site thingys, :jimlad: as she feels it may assist my situation. I, on the other hand have countered by suggesting that she buys a feckin treadmill.

Please can you help, 'cause I'm getting a bit antsy....

Ps, Hadn't realised that Mrs O was reading this over my shoulder. I now need additional help to reduce a large swelling on the back of my bonce. :swoon:[/quote]

Dear Oneto15

Thank you for sharing your most intimate problems, this cannot have been easy.

Mrs O is one of my regular clients and I am aware of your situation.

As evidenced by your suggestion that Mrs O use a treadmill, there is cleary nothing wrong with your 'quick tongue', so I suggest you concentrate on that and trust Auntie Persephone, one thing will lead to another.:yes:

Please do come back and tell us how you get on.

Yours

Auntie Persephone

[SIZE=1]Disclaimer: Some of my advice may be pants[/SIZE]

[quote=Sally Donaldson;112942]Dear A P

What is the cure for stopping burning oneself, not just me fingers??? I am always doing it!!!

Yours very sincerely

Accident Prone[/quote]

Dear Accident Prone

I receive many enquires on self harm and tell my clients they must learn to love themsleves more.

Specifically, as far as the burnt fingers are concerned, try the new Chanel Shimmer Nail Polish. This is so expensive (even Duty Free) that you will take better care of where you put your hands.

Yours,

Auntie Persephone

[SIZE=1]Disclaimer: My advice may make the problem worse.[/SIZE]

Yes!!! I am truly ingazied a te Aunt Persephone - Can I call you just Auntie and can we be called "patients" as opposed to "clients"??? I need to be reassured you are not out for profitable gain so I can confide in you again.

Dear Auntie P,

I'm anxious about how I should deal with Festa Della Donna tomorrow. Will a sprig of Mimosa snapped from our neighbour's tree do the trick or is something more creative needed to express my profound feelings for my wife? Should I present it before I go fishing, or would it be more appropriate when I come home for dinner?

Dear Auntie P

Since I moved to Italy 4 years ago from England i have virtually cut out butter from my diet. Almost exclusively I now use extra virgin olive oil (nostrale whenever possible).

However, I think the olive oil is causing me to have a huge bowel movement every morning at about 7.00am

Problem is I don't get up until 7.45am

Any handy hints or tips?

[quote=Sally Donaldson;112948]Yes!!! I am truly ingazied a te Aunt Persephone - Can I call you just Auntie and can we be called "patients" as opposed to "clients"??? I need to be reassured you are not out for profitable gain so I can confide in you again.[/quote]

Dear Patient Sally

Unfortunately I was 'struck off' many years ago and I am unable to have 'patients', but I think it would be alright if we 'pretended', if that makes you feel more comfortable.

I donate a 'grazie' to demonstrate that I am not in this for any profitable gain.

Yours

Auntie Persephone

[SIZE=1]Disclaimer: I'm closed for lunch.[/SIZE]

Dammit I can think of good replies to you both. lol

[quote=Marc;112949]Dear Auntie P,

I'm anxious about how I should deal with Festa Della Donna tomorrow. Will a sprig of Mimosa snapped from our neighbour's tree do the trick or is something more creative needed to express my profound feelings for my wife? Should I present it before I go fishing, or would it be more appropriate when I come home for dinner?[/quote]

Dear Marc

I doubt you're wife will even notice that you have gone out fishing. But if I may be so bold and suggest two small enhancements. Perhaps tie a little ribbon on the sprig of Mimosa and later on, (whilst your wife is gutting the fish) make sure you put on a clean pair of underpants for dinner.

Yours

Auntie Persephone

[SIZE=1]Disclaimer: It's all rubbish.[/SIZE]

[quote=Ghianda;112950]Dear Auntie P

Since I moved to Italy 4 years ago from England i have virtually cut out butter from my diet. Almost exclusively I now use extra virgin olive oil (nostrale whenever possible).

However, I think the olive oil is causing me to have a huge bowel movement every morning at about 7.00am

Problem is I don't get up until 7.45am

Any handy hints or tips?[/quote]

Dear Ghianda

In the short term, make sure you change your bedding at least once a week.

Next time you are in town, buy yourslelf an alarm clock.

Ghianda, do you have a wife or a girlfriend?

Yours

Agony Auntie Persephone

[SIZE=1]Disclaimer: Some of this advice is poo.[/SIZE]

[quote=juliancoll;112953]Cara zia Percy

Ti non capira mai come di questo fila e' adatto! :winki:

Comunque pensavo che non ci fosse problema - ma ho ancora un piccolo problema da risolvere. Quanto sia grave il problema - no lo so zia! Questo e' un problema in cui non penso di imbatterci.

Potrai aiutarmi zia - o non c'e' niente da fare? :bigergrin:[/quote]

Dear Juliancoll

If I am to be of assistance, you must open your heart to me.

I can immediately tell that you are very timid and potentially have some gender issues lurking.

Trust me. Non esiste un film che non l'ho gia visto.

Yours, in anticipation

Agony Auntie Persephone

[SIZE=1]Disclaimer: My advice is worse than my Italian[/SIZE]

Dear Auntie or indeed my favourite "gal" here, J-C, , An additional request so I can understand Auntie''s reply. Please translate that bit of Italian problem into Inglese??? Grazie a te. Ever yours, Sally

Problem solved. Save your mental resources Girls for bigger more important issues.

[quote=Sally Donaldson;112962]Problem solved. Save your mental resources Girls for bigger more important issues.[/quote]

[IMG]http://www.unofficial.com.au/forums/images/smilies/huh.gif[/IMG]

Save my mental resources for what?
Or is this one of your 'enigmatic[B] [I]secret code[/I][/B] messages?

I'm sorry sweetheart you've totally lost me. Now I'll have to go running screaming to Auntie 'P' for more help!

Quick Auntie P - get your psycho couch out, I'm on my way
[IMG]http://www.cartoonistgroup.com/properties/sigard/art_images/tn_p52_tomatotherapy_lr.jpg[/IMG]

Better answer this!!! lol What I mean is that I managed to translate J+C ‘s Italian so I retracted my plea for either her or Auntie to do it for me, and saved them the bother!!! Back to singing along to Radio Italia "musica", oh and watching the "boys" paint the house facade here in London.

Dear Aunty Persephone

I have a very irritating wart. I have tried to ignore it and thought it had gone but it keeps cropping up in the most unlikely places.

Have you any advice how I can get rid of it?

[quote=Sally Donaldson;112966]Better answer this!!! lol What I mean is that I managed to translate J+C ‘s Italian so I retracted my plea for either her or Auntie to do it for me, and saved them the bother!!! Back to singing along to Radio Italia "musica", oh and watching the "boys" paint the house facade here in London.[/quote]

Sally.

As some of us here do not have the same level of understanding of the Italian language as you do, perhaps you might do us all a great favour and post your translation.:smile:

Moved to [url=http://www.italiauncovered.co.uk]Italia Uncovered[/url]

[quote=Nielo;113005]Dear Aunty Persephone

I have a very irritating wart. I have tried to ignore it and thought it had gone but it keeps cropping up in the most unlikely places.

Have you any advice how I can get rid of it?[/quote]

Dear Nielo

You really must go to bed earlier. This is a clear case of contact with late night toads. For many years it has been considered a myth that warts come from touching toads, alas this is not true.

In olden days, getting rid of warts was relatively well understood. One useful little trick, I remember, is to get a friend to rub the wart with a piece of beef. Then bury the meat and when the meat has rotted, the wart should have disappeared.

Modern advice would be if something is irritating don’t scratch it. Take vitamins and don’t use public changing rooms.

Yours truly,
Agony Auntie Persephone

[SIZE=1]Disclaimer: I am not a doctor.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=1]Fact for the day: Three out of four of us will get a wart at some time in our lives.[/SIZE]

Many thanks JC, for the 'translation' as I have had a knife poised over my left carotid since your post. After six weeks of imperfetto, passato prossimo etc. just couldn't get it, although I should have known:winki:
Sorry to hijack the thread Auntie P, but this was life and death:smile:
Buona Festa delle Donne

Carissima Zia Pee...
I'm so pleased you are there to help us. Can you take a look at my problem - please?

I am (alas),a person of advanced years and am finding it increasingly difficult to remember anything. My memory 'ain't what it was!'

[SIZE=3]But that's not my[/SIZE] problem! My problem is intensity of my FORGETTERY. Everyday it's potency seems to dominate everything I do. A friend told me it was caused by the Malocchio (Evil Eye) Could that be Oh Wise One? I know that there are some pretty potent remedies for the Malocchio but I don't know where I can find such things as Plinio reccomends here...

[I][COLOR=blue][FONT=Verdana]. “...carry on ones self some natural things, like bitter rue[COLOR=Red](???)[/COLOR], some roots, [U][COLOR=Red]the tail of a wolf[/COLOR][/U] ([/FONT][/COLOR][/I][I][COLOR=blue][FONT=Verdana]pars caudae prodesse viris, quos fascina vexat)[/FONT][/COLOR][/I][COLOR=#444444][FONT=Verdana], [/FONT][/COLOR][I][COLOR=blue][FONT=Verdana][U][COLOR=Red]the hide from the forehead of a hyena[/COLOR][/U] (Plinio, lib. [/FONT][/COLOR][/I][I][COLOR=blue][FONT=Verdana]XXII)[/FONT][/COLOR][/I]

[FONT=Arial][SIZE=3]Do you think you can help me Zia? I'm [/SIZE][/FONT] desolate[FONT=Arial][SIZE=3]...

This morning was a good example of the 'forgettery' working at full force - listen to this:
[/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=3]1. I forgot to put the coffee in the Moka.
[/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=3]2. Then forgot that the coffee should go [U]IN[/U] the cup - (result... coffee coloured kitchen rug)
[/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=3]3. Forgot to turn the water off in the bath (result [IMG]http://www.freesmileys.org/smileys/smiley-sport038.gif[/IMG])

[/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=3]4. I [I]think[/I] (?) I forgot to feed the mutt last night - (result...he's lying on his back on the floor howling and pretending he's on the verge of starvation - little liar!)
[/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=3]4. I posted several posts on several sites [IMG]http://www.greensmilies.com/smile/smiley_emoticons_stevieh_technikdummi.gif[/IMG] and now I don't know where I put 'em...
[/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=3]5. Looks like I forgot what number [IMG]http://www.pbs.org/kcet/tavissmiley/special/roadtowealth/images/icon_calculator.gif[/IMG] I got up to too...

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[/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=3]Listen, [I][B]dearest, dearest[/B][/I] Auntie Pee - all-in-all I'm in a dreadful mess [IMG]http://img510.imageshack.us/img510/9236/shrugay1hl9.gif[/IMG] - [U][I]you've really gotta help me - QUICK.[/I][/U]

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[/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=3] [B]I'm DESPERATE! [/B][/SIZE][/FONT][SIZE=3]
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[COLOR=#444444][FONT=Verdana]
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[COLOR=#444444][FONT=Verdana]
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Dear Desperate CaroleB

Let’s hope you have remembered to check this thread for my valuable advice in your difficult times.

I have observed that you take on far too much.

Trying to make a coffee, run a bath, feed an animal and post a number of threads, all in one morning, is far too ambitious.

I would suggestion you assume a more Italian lifestyle. Wake up and go to your nearest bar for a leisurely cappuccino and ‘paste’. Playfully reprimand the locals for feeding their leftovers to your mutt. Enjoy the atmosphere.

In this way, someone else will have made your coffee, the dog will be fed and your mind will be ready for one brilliant post that will leave the forum reeling.

Have a bath once a week on a Friday. People wash far too often these days.

Your very own
Agony Auntie Persesphone

[SIZE=1]Tonights advice: Evil eye – piffle and nonsense.[/SIZE]

Up until this point there have been no problems, unfortunately, I now seem to have developed and irksome wart of my own.

Sal how could you suggest that Ghianda, is on Percys chest, the very thought of it. Expect Mrs Ghianda might be very cross at the suggestion..
But if anyone else would like to pm with their problems they can be reasurred with my IT skills I will be unable to pass them on.
Drat
A

Dear Agony Auntie Persephone

I am upset, hurt and disappointed and not for the first time.

I am a regular and hopefully, relatively well behaved member of a forum where I have made virtual friends as well as some real friends.

I contribute with humour, honesty and help out wherever I can.

I research posts thoroughly and try to respect the feelings and views of others.

Normally, I contribute to, rather than, start new threads but two lively fun threads which I have started (including this one) have been hijacked and essentially killed off by the antics of another forum member.

In the grand scheme of life, I know that this does not really matter, but on the 'Festa delle Donne' I now feel like pants.

I would appreciate your thoughts, on what, if anything I should do.

Percy

Dear Percy

I don't care, I've shut up shop.

Auntie Persephone

Hi Aunty P

What a great thread :smile:, much enjoyed by almost all, sorry it ended in tears:no:

[quote=Aretina;113082]Hi Aunty P

What a great thread :smile:, much enjoyed by almost all, sorry it ended in tears:no:[/quote]

But I thought the tears were over and it was all 'back on track' now....

Come on Auntie Pee.... you've [B][U][I]got to reopen[/I][/U][/B] for business - we NEED you!

[LEFT][IMG]http://www.nug-life.net/files/news/open_sign.jpg[/IMG]
[/LEFT]

[quote=Persephone;113057]Dear Percy

I don't care, I've shut up shop.

Auntie Persephone[/quote]

Dear Auntie P,

May I suggest you unwind for a few days by finding yourself a quiet retreat in the hills of Lunigiana, a comfy chair and nice bottle of wine.

You'll soon be relaxed, refreshed and ready again to face the world and all it's problems. Then maybe the Italy Magazine forum. :winki::bigergrin:

Ignore and re-open....
Sprat