2042 Story Time

The Englishman said his wife would really love the excitement of living in a derelict hovel with no facilities, no near neighbours, no shops or leisure facilites, and not understanding a word the toothless locals said to her, adding that "she's a real sport, my wife".

The Italian, eyed up the Scouser warily.. rolled his eyes and checked his wallet.. visibly shaking at the thought of the price of the Prada handbag he had to purchase for his wife.

Then suddenly the Ryanair tannoy says that there is 3 and a half minutes to boarding, and anyone who couldn't walk properly would be regarded as disabled and rufused permission to board, in the words on Mr O'Leary "what part of naff off saddo don't you understand?"; and now the Scouser's looking worried.

"Scusi, I couldn't help overhearing you all. Perhaps I can help, I am director of an estate agency that specialises in helping English speakers to find their dream properties. We have many excellent bargains at the moment; here is my card do come and see me." The raven haired beauty smiled serenely, handed out her cards turned and walked slowly away to her expresso.

After the 3 men had picked their mouths up from the floor and wiped the dribble, they started to argue over who should be the keeper of the card.

They stumble towards the gate and the Scouser.. concerned that the Englishman will be classed as overweight and charged extra.. dips into his jacket pocket and removes the Englishmans bulging wallet.

So they settle down to their flight amongst the crumbs and detritus of the previous passengers, being pestered to buy scratch cards and dodgy plastic models of the aircraft, before being told that the flight has been diverted to "Bologna" (in reality nowhere near Bologna even by Ryainair standards) and passengers can make their way from there - sorry no bloody compensation - read your ticket.

"Well, that's sorted us good and proper," said the Scouser.

"I suppose we will have to get the train to this place then. Where is it? Is Le Marche a big town?"

The Italian tried not to react. This was going to be difficult he thought. Two innocents in Italy looking for houses!

Meanwhile the scouser's found a swank new mobile phone "left lying around" and phones Maria, the raven haired beauty, who agrees, "for a very reasonable fee" to take the trio on four thousand mile trip around Le Marche and Abruzzo, to find the dreams houses in an "as yet overlooked" area that will be the new Tuscany, and save them money!

On arrival in Roma (the pilot had never done the Bologna trip before, and had made an acceptable error) they all see an advertisement for a new TV show "No arriving at the hovel in the sun" the Scouser says ...

"eh, we could be famous, like" when Maria walzes though the first class express gate (having travelled on a BA flight) jangling the keys to here top of the range FWD, and says..

"Follow me, gents... I've got a few surprises in store for you!" and winks at them.

And so they set off in Maria's car (our trio all fall asleep in the back, having drunk so much on their three day trip from Stanstead) to arrive in an obscure (sorry, as yet undiscovered) virtually abandoned mountain village in Abruzzo, where Maria;s cousin, twice removed, is preparing lunch for them and a true Italian welcome....

Seeing Maria's cousin twice removed, the Scouser, nudges the Englishman and nods in the direction of the Italian, who slips up to her, brushes his long flowing hair (just the one mind) over his shoulder, then proceeds to scratch...

They then proceed into the restaurant, and lo! the village is not deserted, there are large numbers of Munchkins inside helping Enzo the farmer celebrate the arrival of the subsidy for his olive groves (never mind that the olives perished years ago due to soil erosion from the rain, wind earthquakes and avalanches) and soon Maria learns that Enzo has a charming rustico (in reality a pile of rocks somewhat smaller that our American Italian's fridge back home) that he might sell to the right person.. it was nona's and he remembers so many happy childhood summers there (because its impossible to get to in the Winter)...his nephew Marco will take them there after lunch (its local speciality - donkey stew - today...again)

After a leasurely lunch, during which the Italian, borrows the scousers "spare" phone to order the Lamborghini and the Ducatti, they all pile into Marias car again and drive to the hill opposite the charming Rustico/ pile of bricks, the Italian asks how much, and the price of 600Euro is quoted, the Englishman says that he thinks this price is too high, Maria says, "No, 68.000,99 euro is a fair price, winking at the Italian...

But then Marco lets slip that some Swiss people were there yesterday, and they are VERY interested.....at which point the Englishman offers 80,000 euro to clinch it

Marco and the Englishman shake on the deal, after which Marco points out that of course, the Englishman will also have to pay a finder's fee to his controlling English Agency, petrol, out of pocket expenses and compensate the old owner for loss of heritage, they look towards the opposite hillside, the rustico has vanished... The Scouser...

"can we get a geometra to check it out?" the Englishman asked the beautiful Maria.

This is not necessary, everyone in Italy is so honest and friendly says Maria, it is normal to buy things that you have only seen at a distance, and everyone expects to do a little "restructuring", so a survey will only cost money, and she is there to Save them money

With this, the sultry Maria twirls around.. winks at the Italian once more.. and displays her charms to the Scouser, who is dumbstruck at the hard work ahead of him if he is to restructure anything.. Meanwhile, the Englishman has worked up a sweat.. along with a cunning plan..

The scouser does a neat trade for one of her charms, and throws in a set of brand new hub caps for a vauxhall cavalier, he then comments that he thinks he can lay his hands on some lovely old bricks, reaches into his back pocket and...

pulls out the business card of the bloke he met in the bar at Stanstead airport from "Abruzzo Restoration and Property Management R us" who might be able to oversee the restructuring for a very reasonable fee.

Who's name was Clarke, specializing in Puglian property development and wanting to expand his toxic waste disposal empire into Abruzzo.

Meanwhile the local Albanian Security Committee has learned that there may be some new clients in town, and turn up with the local mayor and some of his stray dogs, but the Scouser's radar picks up on them before its too late and they head of at high speed in Maria's car for a bit of action in Pescara

On the way, they notice, just inside the Abbruzzo border a herd of very attractive cows, the scouser...

asks them if they want a ride, but they reply "nah, we're frum newcussle, lookin' for the poob"

While drinking in the pub they get a call from Marco telling them that they have an Albanian company to remove the mine fields, as the contract has already been signed for the job, and that the new owners are responsible for paying them.

The Englishman pulls a face and looks puzzled. Then his face lights up with joy, "I know lets get that law firm who are having a party to sort this lot out. Bound to be cheaper than mine disposal fees".

There is general agreement and the search is on for an internet cafe.

who just so happen to turn up at that moment, they introduce themselves,
"we are a punk band, we call ourselfs maddogs and englishmen,we sing local
napolitan songs, but with a punk attitude......
it is then that the chief of police burst in with armed back up.
no one takes the pissa out ofa the napolitan music...

they are then carted off to puglia.............

Whilst in Puglia they meet these lovely people who are having a party, during the party they suddenly remember Maria and the scouser goes to get out his phone again only to find......

she's trulli scruptious... but she's on the phone..(is it to the lawyers in London? - at £1400 per hour unlikely - or is it the totally unscrupulous Freddy (or his henchmen Clarke and Adriatica?).........adriatico dove sei?

..they hear a great commotion outside....they run out of the house and the Englishman says "wow this place is so authentically Italian, its actually the fourteenth century here" whereas Maria appears to explain to them that there has been a witch-hunt in the Forum, and the terrible firebrand Giovanni d'Abruzzo is to be burned at the stake as a heretic... now the Scouser knows a thing or two about stakes...

.. and stakes the Scouse reputation that it will all end in tears if everyone gets on the bandwagon or even blow over in the wind.. just like the Italian style house the Englishman hopes to buy. Meanwhile.. with a quick lash of the tongue, the Scouser quickly slaughters the local cow and cuts up a few nice fillets to fling on the barbie, watching the herding instinct with interest as the bonfire is piled higher and higher..

However they find that the base of the bonfire has been constructed from local gravel, painted to look like concrete by some unscrupulous puglians who are currently residing in an agritour in Abbruzzo...

and Clarke of Kent is there, trying unsuccessfully to light the concrete pyre to no avail...he needs his alter ego, but there are no telephone kiosks, only confessionals....

The Geordie wanders off muttering, this is all getting a bit strange, the Englishman looks over to the Scouser and shrugs his shoulders, Suggs hums "welcome to the house of fun", the Italian walks confidently to the scouser and scratches his...

nose again.. along comes Wonder Woman and Maria becomes instantly jealous of the piercing blue eyes and shiny boots.. wondering if they have anything similar at Prada or Manolo Blahnik in this seasons colours for under 50,000 euros. Rosemarie, the local herbalist saunters by wafting her pungent aroma of pressed olives in the direction of Enzo, the twice removed cousin of Maria and..

In a temporary swoon, he falls towards the base of the bonfire, clutching at Marias skirt, the Englishman, Scouser and American Italian instantly react by...

then the Scouser crys "tax man" and the piazza is instantly cleared (Clarke and the Cheif of Police are the quickest out), and they wonder whether to save Giovanni...

when Aliena's softer side makes a brief appearance and she lands her spaceship in the Piazza.. sweeps Giovanni off his feet and into the protection of her Camorra connections, singing heartbreaking Neapolitan songs in his ear.. and probing him gently for more information about Toxic Toni the Pugli Albanian.. who..

have become unregistered estate agents, before launching a rant about a nun and her 365 day a year habit

at which point the American Italian gets very cross and says "how dare you speak about my mother like that... you are a Pug!.. may you drown in a pool or your own puppy poo" before booting him of the spaceship...
...the Englishman asks if they can't now concentrate on the real issue - his Italian comrpomise...
...Maria says that there is some charlie called Joseph, who reckons to know all about legal stuff.... and so Aliena twiddles the space knobs and...
..they're all off to Magical Marche!

but due to fog and leaves on the line.. they are diverted to "il Mare Adriatica" and everyone begins to hum the tune, while Maria tries on her new Jimmy Choo's which the Scouser nicked from Galleria Umberto while on a training course for Vespa owners..

when they finally land in Le Marche, at Grottamare (or grotty for short), they ask the first local they find where Joseph is..
...the man, an aged Albanian, gets all watery eyed at the memory of Stalin, when peace reigned in the land and there was food and housing for all ....
....

.... hey queen said the scouser to maria, whats that ratteling? oh thats the cages where the uglier woman live,she replied, this place is a right dump, the englishman said it reminds me of wales

then Alush the Albanian, looks misty eyed up to to the misty hills (75,000 ft above sea level) and tells the assembled crowd that he has heard that there is a wise man living up there, and they all set off..
...the Scouser looks for some transport..
.. the Englishman looks for his wallet...
...the American Italian looks for Brian...
...and Maria looks forward to her fee...

and just in the nick of time, Clarke comes to the rescue, indecently proposes to the Scouser.. who gracefully accepts, then picks up everyone who wants to escape and they all drive to Campania in a stolen Ferrari Spyder.. where life is relaxed, the sfogliatelle is fresh and a new adventure awaits.. not forgetting to tell those left behind, aided by a few international hand gestures.. to loosen up and have some fun.

Meanwhile.. Maria's cugina thrice removed by the Polizia and Rosemary the herbalist, run to the top of Vesuvio and spontaneously combust.. Mr Marche regains his rightful place at the head of the table and the snipers get covered in doggy poo from a great height and go back undercover.. where they long to taste freedom, but dont know how to fly.. which gives Mish the Muslim tinker a brilliant idea to open a sanctuary to rehabilitate caged pugs back into society..

The Scouser, now totally besotted.. hands over the bulging wallet he nicked from the Englishman to..

deleted - error in input

Rusty Rex from the internet search engine that promises to find dream homes in places no-one has ever heard of when...
....Aliena's space ship arrives having been hijacked by...