3732 Joke of the day

A young women enters the previous days events in her diary:

[I]Dear Diary, Phil was in such a strange mood last night when I met him after work; he seemed so down, so I suggested that we go to our favourite restaurant and have a nice meal and a bottle of wine. I tried to make conversation, but he seemed so distant I'm worried that he's started an affair with another woman. We left the restaurant and went home. I poured him a nightcap and changed into my sexy lingeree and led him to the bedroom. We made love, but he really seemed so remote, nothing like the passion he normally shows. I cried myself to sleep. Is this the end of our love?[/I]

Phils Diary:

[I]Dear Diary, Rooney bust his foot yesterday, no way we're gonna win the world cup. Got a shag though.[/I]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four hour, surgical procedure when a young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again,

"Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vital stats by worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful.........., but, listen very, very, closely......

"A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"

Three Italian men were sitting together and bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

The first man had married a woman from England and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house, and the dishes were all washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Scotland. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, the dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third had married an Italian girl. He said that he told her that her duties were to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal.

He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything.. but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, mow the lawn.. :p

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent,
self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating
ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant
meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said, "Elegant lady, I was
once a handsome prince until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One
kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young
Prince that I am, and then my sweet, we can marry and setup
housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where you can prepare my
meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful
and happy doing so."

That night, on a meal of lightly sauteed frogs legs seasoned in a white
wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought, "I
don't think so!"

Roberto Mancini is walking aimlessly down the street when he kicks a can and out pops a Genie.

The genie says, "Because I'm poor and only live in a rusty can I can only grant two wishes.

Mancini pulls out a map of iraq and asks the Genie, "Can you divide it up so that all the various ethnic groups are happy and peace will break out."

The Genie looks at the map for over an hour before handing it back saying, "Sorry, you've got me there, it just can't be done."

"Never mind", says Mancini, "For my second wish, can you get Inter Milan the best side in Lombardy"

The Genie looks at Mancini for a moment and then says "Let's have another look at that map!":cool:

Five Germans in a Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. The Italian border policeman stops them and tells them “it’s illegal to putt 5 people in a Quattro.”

“Idiot vot do you mean it’s illegal” asks the german driver

“Quattro means four” replies the Italian Official.

“Quattro is just the name of the Automobile” The Germans reply unbelievingly.

“Look at ze papers; Ze car is designed to carry 5 persons.”

“You canta pull thata one on me!” replies the policeman. “Quattro means four. You have five people ina your car therefore you breaka the law.”

The German replies very angrily “schweinhund!" Call your zupervisor over. I vant to speak to zumone mit more intelligence!”

“I’ma sorry” responds the Italian officer, “he canta come He’sa busy With a 2 guys ina Fiat Uno.”:D

A virile, young Italian gentleman was relaxing at his favourite bar in
>Rome, when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde.
>
Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment,
>and after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom and made love.
>
After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So...you finish?" She
>paused for a second, frowned and admitted, "No."
>
Surprised, the young man reached for her and the love making resumed. This
>time she thrashes about wildly and there are screams of passion. The
>lovemaking ends, and again, the young man smiles, and again he asks, "You
>finish?" And again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles
>closer to him, and softly says, "No."
>
Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, the young man
>reaches for the woman again. Using the last of his strength, he barely
>manages it, but they climax simultaneously, screaming, bucking, clawing and
>ripping the bed sheets.
>
The exhausted man falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his
>head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly, and asks again, "You finish?"
>
> Barely able to speak, she whispers in his ear, "No! I Norwegian"
>
>
>

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The (English) lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanised when she hears one of them say the
following:
"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly.
"In this country we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives."
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell "Mississippi'."