LivarandSofie's activity

 I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me. Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod. 

 Bert and Ethel both in their eighties go to the doctor for a yearly check up.  The doctor says to Bert while I examine Ethel I want you to give me a urine sample, a faeces sample and a sperm sample, if you see the nurse she will give you some bottles. Bert ,being deaf says "what did he say?" Ethel says "He wants your underpants"!!

 The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday. The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters. The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment. It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team. However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for! At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Alonso's bird in the shower.

We use it with meat, fish and poultry.  Makes a delightful meal be even more an enjoyment.  Go ahead, you will not regret it.

Assist in what? Breaking the law? Why not drive in accordance with the limits.  Limits are for a reason, mainly to keep traficc safe.  Hooligans that need devises to alert on speed cameras better stay home. 

 A pregnant woman from Manchester gets in a car accident and falls into a coma. When she wakes up, she sees she's no longer pregnant and she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am you've had twins! a boy and a girl. Your brother from Liverpool came in and named them." The woman thinks to herself, "No, not my brother... he's an idiot!" She asks him, "Well, what's the girl's name?" "Denise." "Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?" "Denephew. " ***City's can be changed to insult the friend of your choice***

 1. Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence (a life sentence). 2. Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore marriage is an institution for the blind. 3. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her masters. 4. Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering. 5. Married life is full of excitement and frustration: In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.In the third year, they both speak and the NEIGHBOUR listens. 6. Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.You order what you want, and when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that instead. 7. There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced. 8. A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes. 9. Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it. 10. Son: Is it true Dad? I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her. Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE! 11. Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock. 12. They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defense. 13. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a 10-year married man looks happy, we wonder why. 14. There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through HELL. 16. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. 17. Eighty percent of married men cheat in America, the rest cheat in Europe. 18. After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin. They just can't face each other, but they still stay together. 19. Marriage is man and a woman become one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one. 20. Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After the marriage the "Y" becomes silent. 21. I married Miss right; I just didn't know her first name was Always. 22. It's not true that married men live longer than single men, it only seems longer. 23. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible. 24. A man was complaining to a friend: I HAD IT ALL-MONEY, A BEAUTIFUL HOUSE, THE LOVE OF A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN, THEN POW! IT WAS ALL GONE. WHAT HAPPENED, asked his friend. He says MY WIFE FOUND OUT. 25. WIFE: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. HUSBAND: OK, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway lighs on. 26. At a cocktail party, one woman said to another: AREN'T YOU WEARING YOUR RING ON THE WRONG FINGER? The other replied, YES, I, AM. I MARRIED THE WRONG MAN. 27. Man is incomplete until he gets married, then he is finished. 28. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss. 29. A man inserted an ad in the paper - WIFE WANTED. The next day he received a hundred of letters and they all said the same thing - YOU CAN HAVE MINE. 30. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing - either the car is new or the wife is