More Jokes Please Andrew!!

How the fight started...: One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift... The next year, he didn't buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" And that's how the fight started...

  ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.' He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?' 'Nah, she can order for herself.' And that's when the fight started... --------------------------------------------------------------------------- My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?' I said, 'Dust.' And then the fight started...   ------------------------------------------------------------------------   My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.' So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.' And that's when the fight started... ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary... She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.' I bought her a scale. And then the fight started... ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, 'Do you know him?' 'Yes,' she sighed, 'He's my old boyfriend...  I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' I said, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?' And then the fight started... -------------------------------- -------------------------------------------- I rear-ended a car this morning... So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!' So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?' And then the fight started.... ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER: When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf.  Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.'  

We have just been having a laugh at your jokes Andy.  I don't know how people think them up!  Well done.  x

Marco wanted to buy a parrot to keep his wife company. His wife being a bit of a gossip and not having too many friends, the idea of a talkative parrot appealed.   He sees two in the window of his local pet shop. "I'm interested in buying a parrot", he says to the pet shop owner. "How much for the one on the left?". "€5,000" replies the pet shop owner. "€5,000" says Marco. "Thats a lot of money. I know this is Italy but €5,000 for a parrot looks ridiculous to me". "It may seem that to you" said the pet shop owner "but the parrot can sing O Sole Mio better than Pavarotti ever could. Only one cornetto, he can do that as well". "What about the other one?" said Marco. "€10,000" said the pet shop owner.  "You astound me" said Marco "why such a high price?". "Every Verdi opera" the petshop owner said ,"whether its, Il Trovatore, La Traviate, or even Un ballo in mashera, the parrot can sing in a voice that makes the upper tier of La Scalla cry" (Ed. very high). "Have you anything else to offer says Marco?" (obviously impressed by what he's heard but not totally convinced about the prices). "Well as a matter of fact" says the pet shop owner," I've another parrot out the back, but I've never heard him speak. If you want him, his price is  €30,000".   "€30,000 for a parrot that you have never heard speak. How can you possibly justify that price?" said Marco.  "Well" said  the pet shop owner, "the other two parrots call him "Il maestro".

I like the "phone a friend one" best.  Yes, more please!

Berlusconi and wife Veronica in downtown Rome stop in front of a shop. Belusconi exclaims: " Veronica, my darling, look here. Pants 20 Euro, Shirts 17 Euros, Leather coats 55 Euros. Take a look! Can you believe that they are talking about the inflation and crisis due to the Euro! What inflation? What crisis?