Andrew's activity

As you can see from my avatar I'm the only logical choice to be Diana Ross; after all, do you know why she was Supreme? Because she's Indian....

1. Two blondes walked into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it. 2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want marijuana, press the hash key..."3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high." 6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. 10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.Police say that he topped himself.11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it." 12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'. "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."' Is it common? '"It's not unusual."13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down.""What? Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy"14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.""How's that?""Don't you start." 15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!16. What do you call a fish with no eyes?A fsh.17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.' 18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one ofthem. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin. 19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice." 22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places"The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"23. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

Mum from Salford; Dad from Matlock Moor; me born in Matlock; emigrated to Northallerton;Jean from Lastingham near Pickering. (and obviously ex-health professional - Friarage Hospital; Northallerton)

You know why? Because he's Indian...

Took a self portrait when I was on the "Vinda" loo.

Now then, owd thi wata, if tha's goin on abowt t'road ow we tork, tha muna gera thisen ina tizwaz, since tha's oviusly got no eedeea. Us proper fowk up t'north tork rate, an them from dan sowth avn't goraa cluuu.

Not actually giving a false address in UK as I part own the properties.If the cops told me my licence was o.k. then I didn't argue.Excellent advice however regards the pathway - driving school etc.Cheers

We have Alice via Telecom, and I've found their service exceptional. Whenever I've had a problem I get superb service from their operative over the phone (once it was Christmas Eve and we were looking forward to Skype-ing relatives in UK), and when I've needed a house call the guy arrived within the day and refused to leave until the problem was sorted. He was always polite; efficient, and has the patience to explain all that he was doing. That will do for me.

I was stopped by the police for the usual check. They looked at my licence; it has the Euro ring of stars on it, and I asked them if it was still o.k. They said yes. It's always handy however to tell them that you have 'dual residence' in that you have an address in UK. I use my sister's or my Mum's. The fact that in UK you don't have to officially be registered at a residence goes over their heads as they only understand the Italian system of residence etc.I believe that changing to an Italian licence is a mega hassle, and others have confirmed that, although I stand to be corrected.When you do renew your licence however that can only be done to a UK address. I use a relative.

"Well Goodness Gracious Me"...Sadly due to overheating and old age we won't be there tonight;You're right however about the usual starting times; sometimes even later as Italians eat whatever they eat later when it's hot. The concerts then start with complete disregard for those who don't want to listen (see recent rumpus in San Benedetto Old Town).We'll be at home with Orlixio or Ovaltino after having a Maori Hangi in the back garden washed down with some Chinese Tsingtao beer, followed of course by Belgian Chocs and a glass of Whisky.Then it's off to the land of "Il cenno del capo" under our genuine Lancashire Cotton sheets.Early night, as in the morning we're up at the crack of 10;00 for our everyday full English breakfast.Have to go, it's 20 minutes past afternoon tea time! Bring on the Rich Tea...